To my beloved saints who have come to enjoy the message of Phish Bowl: I, Timothy Nathanael let you down on April’s newsletter. A lack of study time with a last minute mail date; all that the Holy Spirit was trying to get across, got lost in a choppy message put together by myself.
Over the last few months, I have not been myself. To be honest, I have been in a depression that I cannot shake. I’m so ready for the return of our Lord. No matter how hard I try to walk this walk in self-will, the muck and strains of prison discolors me. Daily I awaken and hope this day will be different; but as soon as they open my kennel, it is all too real that Satan and his doulos are at their work; the work of pulling down the saints with porn, drugs, and gambling all taking place over God. At every turn there is compromise. Last month what I wanted to say is there are not two roads, only one road-no middle ground. Even though I do not engage in porn, drugs or gambling, I still find myself ending up lost---not on His road and not given back in total sin; but in compromise of the standards of my own walk. It might be small to some, but sleep, slothfulness, TV. and joking that is anything but Godly, drags me back down into the swamp of the world’s ways. Most days I find myself nothing more than “a pig in the parlor”. How great is grace that it would be given to a wretch like me; to find true blessings that brokenness bestows on a servant who finds himself daily at the cross being cleansed over and over by His blood. We don’t fail in the Christian walk if we keep getting up!
As you should know by now, I am a convicted sex offended. I pled guilty and was rightly sentenced to 10 years to life in prison. When I was a youth leader and staff member of my old church/school, I had inappropriate contact with two teen-agers; one 16 and one 17. I don’t wish anyone to paint the wrong picture; with these young ladies, there was no sexual intercourse, but I did find myself alone with both girls dressed down to t-shirt and underwear with my hands on them, even to the point of me getting the 17 year old in a bed at times. I never wish to down-play what I did. But, I also don’t wish that imagination would paint an untrue picture, either. No one lost their virginity; there was no sex of any kind. What I did was wrong, illegal and most of all, a sin against God. I betrayed the church family that trusted me with their most precious gifts of God. I betrayed my wife of 18 years, abandoned my two kids, and above all, I mocked God, using the ministry He gave me to fulfill my innermost lust to act out years of porn. I re-crucified Jesus to the cross; I was the wolf in sheep’s clothing to all who knew me. I will not let satan shame me into silence. I tell you all of this not for me because there is no me anymore. I start my letter off with, Timothy Nathanael, but he died June 2005 and a doulos of Christ was reborn. D.O.C. calls him 132753. I tell you this so you too will repent. Sin has a price and it will demand payment. ALL sin has a price! See, if the time comes in your life that your sin seeps out of your skin and fills the room with a hog-pen odor, when the lies no longer hold together, the costume that you put on to fool the world, when darkness takes over all of you, God is there!
About two months after all of my sin came into the light, I had finally lost it all, so I thought: No God, no family, no church, no friends. I was living at a campground in a 23 ft. travel trailer when one Sunday morning, I put on my best jeans and went to church at Calvary Chapel South Denver. The drive there was one hour and I did not quite know at the time why I wanted to go to a church so far away. All I knew is that I wanted to be in His glory; whatever it was in church that makes me feel like all was going to be OK. This week some pastor from a church in Arizona was up on stage with a block of clay and a message of how God works with His people. As he worked this clay, cut this clay and watered this clay, he spoke God’s word right to my soul. I felt, I know if I only truly gave myself over to Jesus, only then could He do this work in me and my wrecked life. The time came when the pastor said, “If you want to give your life to Jesus, now, not tomorrow, raise your hand.” Oh how my pride yelled out from inside “NO!” “You can’t do this. What will these people think?” Well, it no longer mattered! I did not care what others thought of me…I only wanted the relationship with Jesus that this man was offering. So up went my hand, and down went my pride. As I stood there alone I begged God to forgive me, to come into my life…to be my LORD…all I wanted was to be His. To have Him feel all the emptiness and rid my life of all of the pain. No one approached me, there was no fanfare. I came to church this morning alone and as far as I could tell, I left there alone. No bright light. No heavenly music. No welcome to the family. Just me and I was about to find out, the Holy Spirit also.
The next five days it seemed like everything dark inside me, every sin I had ever committed, small to large was being pulled out and brought into the light. I could not hide, not at night or by day. I was a sinner that needed a Savior! In the presence of our Holy Father, without Jesus, the verdict would be damnation. No good I have ever mustered up in the flesh would be good enough. Nothing I could ever do in the future would cover murder, adultery, theft, or blasphemy. I found in my life all that was bad in this world and saw in Jesus all that was good…true hope.
Five days had passed and Friday rolled around. I was done. I gave myself to Jesus last Sunday…or did I? Was it just enough of a self seeking attempt to feel good and avoid the consequences of sin? Was it one more “get me out of this God and I will do…?” Why, for days could I not rid myself of my past? Why would God drag me down this painful road? Sleepless nights and days filled with despair. But still, all I wanted was Him. As I returned to an empty trailer, alone…or so I thought, I was done. And I mean I was done with this joke called life. I did not want to live any more. There was just too much pain. I had become a monster. I sacrificed all for a counterfeit love; lust, which in the end left me beaten to a bloody pulp. Lying face down in the dust of the damaged lives I had torn through.
I hit my knees in that dark trailer that night, crying out to God, clinging to my Bible, tears running down my face. I went from reading His word, mostly David’s Psalms, prayers of deliverance, to praying for the lives of those I damaged, to an hour of uncontrollable sobbing. And then it happened. I was out of tears and out of words. I looked up, as if to look into Heaven itself, and out of my mouth came a groan, and I don’t know where it came from or even what I said.
Romans 8:26-27: “Likewise the Spirit also helps in our weaknesses. For we do not know what we should pray for as we ought, but the Spirit himself makes intercession for us with groanings which cannot be uttered. He makes intercession for the saints according to the will of God”.
And then I felt a warm touch on my right shoulder, it filled my body with peace. How I long for that one moment in time again. Somehow I knew it was not going to be easy, but He was…
Romans 8:28-30: “…we know that all things work together for good to those who love God, to those who are called according to His purpose. For whom He foreknew, He also predestined to be conformed to the image of His son, that He might be the firstborn among many brethren. Moreover whom He predestined, these He also called; whom He called, these He also justified; and whom He justified, these He also glorified.”
I know in that moment, some how this was all going to work out to His purpose. So I got up, washed my face and went outside. It was morning; it was Sunday morning. I knew it was time to move. So I packed up my trailer and went to an R.V. park which God put on my heart. This was not the closest R.V. Park to my old world or even my job. It was in a place called Loveland. After unpacking, I went to the office to borrow the Yellow Pages to find a church. As I sat there, He once again brought to mind something I had heard. See, when I was at C.C. S. Denver that last Sunday, their pastor was the guest pastor at some church called Calvary Chapel Loveland. I decided that the next Sunday I would visit this church.
The first week that I came to church, the pastor came up to me for a moment to welcome me. He commented on my “converse high tops” and asked me to come back next week, and so I did. This time, he once again approached me and asked, “Do we need to talk?” My response was, “Yes, if I’m going to continue to come to this church”. So, I gave him my number and left. About an hour or two later, I received a call from Pastor Kevin. “You don’t know us, but a family in the church has to move, today! Well, actually right now, and I saw your truck and we could use some help. Can you help?” As you can imagine, I did not really have a busy schedule any more, so the answer was yes!
I got there and we passed some small talk as we packed the truck. Afterwards, Pastor Kevin, myself and Joe piled into the front seat of an old pick up and off we were to a storage unit. When Joe stopped to get some sodas, Pastor Kevin asked, “Is it that bad?” I responded with, “Would seven felonies scare you?” Without a pause, he looked right at me and in a loving voice said, “Am I running?” Five years later, I testify to the truth, Pastor Kevin has never run, nor has C.C. Loveland rejected me, but instead has loved on me.
When your sin comes into the light, we have the choice to repent in a Godly manner or perish with the world. Paul writes about this in 2 Corinthians 7. I would suggest that you read all of 2 Corinthians 7, I will pick up in verse 10:
“For godly sorrow produces repentance leading to salvation, not to be regretted; but the sorrow of the world produces death”. Godly sorrow produces repentance; true sorrow for sins leads to a change of mind and a turning to God. Repentance means turning to God. True repentance results in spiritual deliverance, or salvation (2 Corinthians 6:2), but the kind of sorrow the world experiences produces death.
In past P.B., we have covered Peter’s denials of our Lord and his restoration. We see Peter’s genuine repentance as he wept bitterly. But more over, we see it at Pentecost where Peter openly proclaims Jesus to the world. Peter was just not sorry for being caught; he was sorry for what he had done and turned to God’s way.
(In my testimony there are two sides. You have my side in short, but still there are my victims, who should always have a voice. The only complete and total truth is when both sides come together and become one.)
But, if I am to boast of my new life, it will be of God’s grace on me, as He uses me to serve these men. Daily I live with a thousand ghosts, the memory of the ones I used. I cannot close my eyes without seeing them. I pray for our Lord to bless them, to guide them and to heal them. But no matter what, I am His. Phish Bowl testifies to this and so will countless others inside the church, outside the church, behind the wall, or those in the free world.
I don’t know when, or if, I will every get out of prison. But, I do know this, I, Timothy Nathanael, am a doulos of Christ and my purpose and hopes live in Him only. Any sin, any disobedience in my walk grieves me so. He breaks me daily, conforms me daily. I know I will find peace when I join Him and the Church in glory. He is my Savior!
Love from your brother,
Timothy - A Doulos of Christ
Ephesians 4:29-32
Over the last few months, I have not been myself. To be honest, I have been in a depression that I cannot shake. I’m so ready for the return of our Lord. No matter how hard I try to walk this walk in self-will, the muck and strains of prison discolors me. Daily I awaken and hope this day will be different; but as soon as they open my kennel, it is all too real that Satan and his doulos are at their work; the work of pulling down the saints with porn, drugs, and gambling all taking place over God. At every turn there is compromise. Last month what I wanted to say is there are not two roads, only one road-no middle ground. Even though I do not engage in porn, drugs or gambling, I still find myself ending up lost---not on His road and not given back in total sin; but in compromise of the standards of my own walk. It might be small to some, but sleep, slothfulness, TV. and joking that is anything but Godly, drags me back down into the swamp of the world’s ways. Most days I find myself nothing more than “a pig in the parlor”. How great is grace that it would be given to a wretch like me; to find true blessings that brokenness bestows on a servant who finds himself daily at the cross being cleansed over and over by His blood. We don’t fail in the Christian walk if we keep getting up!
As you should know by now, I am a convicted sex offended. I pled guilty and was rightly sentenced to 10 years to life in prison. When I was a youth leader and staff member of my old church/school, I had inappropriate contact with two teen-agers; one 16 and one 17. I don’t wish anyone to paint the wrong picture; with these young ladies, there was no sexual intercourse, but I did find myself alone with both girls dressed down to t-shirt and underwear with my hands on them, even to the point of me getting the 17 year old in a bed at times. I never wish to down-play what I did. But, I also don’t wish that imagination would paint an untrue picture, either. No one lost their virginity; there was no sex of any kind. What I did was wrong, illegal and most of all, a sin against God. I betrayed the church family that trusted me with their most precious gifts of God. I betrayed my wife of 18 years, abandoned my two kids, and above all, I mocked God, using the ministry He gave me to fulfill my innermost lust to act out years of porn. I re-crucified Jesus to the cross; I was the wolf in sheep’s clothing to all who knew me. I will not let satan shame me into silence. I tell you all of this not for me because there is no me anymore. I start my letter off with, Timothy Nathanael, but he died June 2005 and a doulos of Christ was reborn. D.O.C. calls him 132753. I tell you this so you too will repent. Sin has a price and it will demand payment. ALL sin has a price! See, if the time comes in your life that your sin seeps out of your skin and fills the room with a hog-pen odor, when the lies no longer hold together, the costume that you put on to fool the world, when darkness takes over all of you, God is there!
About two months after all of my sin came into the light, I had finally lost it all, so I thought: No God, no family, no church, no friends. I was living at a campground in a 23 ft. travel trailer when one Sunday morning, I put on my best jeans and went to church at Calvary Chapel South Denver. The drive there was one hour and I did not quite know at the time why I wanted to go to a church so far away. All I knew is that I wanted to be in His glory; whatever it was in church that makes me feel like all was going to be OK. This week some pastor from a church in Arizona was up on stage with a block of clay and a message of how God works with His people. As he worked this clay, cut this clay and watered this clay, he spoke God’s word right to my soul. I felt, I know if I only truly gave myself over to Jesus, only then could He do this work in me and my wrecked life. The time came when the pastor said, “If you want to give your life to Jesus, now, not tomorrow, raise your hand.” Oh how my pride yelled out from inside “NO!” “You can’t do this. What will these people think?” Well, it no longer mattered! I did not care what others thought of me…I only wanted the relationship with Jesus that this man was offering. So up went my hand, and down went my pride. As I stood there alone I begged God to forgive me, to come into my life…to be my LORD…all I wanted was to be His. To have Him feel all the emptiness and rid my life of all of the pain. No one approached me, there was no fanfare. I came to church this morning alone and as far as I could tell, I left there alone. No bright light. No heavenly music. No welcome to the family. Just me and I was about to find out, the Holy Spirit also.
The next five days it seemed like everything dark inside me, every sin I had ever committed, small to large was being pulled out and brought into the light. I could not hide, not at night or by day. I was a sinner that needed a Savior! In the presence of our Holy Father, without Jesus, the verdict would be damnation. No good I have ever mustered up in the flesh would be good enough. Nothing I could ever do in the future would cover murder, adultery, theft, or blasphemy. I found in my life all that was bad in this world and saw in Jesus all that was good…true hope.
Five days had passed and Friday rolled around. I was done. I gave myself to Jesus last Sunday…or did I? Was it just enough of a self seeking attempt to feel good and avoid the consequences of sin? Was it one more “get me out of this God and I will do…?” Why, for days could I not rid myself of my past? Why would God drag me down this painful road? Sleepless nights and days filled with despair. But still, all I wanted was Him. As I returned to an empty trailer, alone…or so I thought, I was done. And I mean I was done with this joke called life. I did not want to live any more. There was just too much pain. I had become a monster. I sacrificed all for a counterfeit love; lust, which in the end left me beaten to a bloody pulp. Lying face down in the dust of the damaged lives I had torn through.
I hit my knees in that dark trailer that night, crying out to God, clinging to my Bible, tears running down my face. I went from reading His word, mostly David’s Psalms, prayers of deliverance, to praying for the lives of those I damaged, to an hour of uncontrollable sobbing. And then it happened. I was out of tears and out of words. I looked up, as if to look into Heaven itself, and out of my mouth came a groan, and I don’t know where it came from or even what I said.
Romans 8:26-27: “Likewise the Spirit also helps in our weaknesses. For we do not know what we should pray for as we ought, but the Spirit himself makes intercession for us with groanings which cannot be uttered. He makes intercession for the saints according to the will of God”.
And then I felt a warm touch on my right shoulder, it filled my body with peace. How I long for that one moment in time again. Somehow I knew it was not going to be easy, but He was…
Romans 8:28-30: “…we know that all things work together for good to those who love God, to those who are called according to His purpose. For whom He foreknew, He also predestined to be conformed to the image of His son, that He might be the firstborn among many brethren. Moreover whom He predestined, these He also called; whom He called, these He also justified; and whom He justified, these He also glorified.”
I know in that moment, some how this was all going to work out to His purpose. So I got up, washed my face and went outside. It was morning; it was Sunday morning. I knew it was time to move. So I packed up my trailer and went to an R.V. park which God put on my heart. This was not the closest R.V. Park to my old world or even my job. It was in a place called Loveland. After unpacking, I went to the office to borrow the Yellow Pages to find a church. As I sat there, He once again brought to mind something I had heard. See, when I was at C.C. S. Denver that last Sunday, their pastor was the guest pastor at some church called Calvary Chapel Loveland. I decided that the next Sunday I would visit this church.
The first week that I came to church, the pastor came up to me for a moment to welcome me. He commented on my “converse high tops” and asked me to come back next week, and so I did. This time, he once again approached me and asked, “Do we need to talk?” My response was, “Yes, if I’m going to continue to come to this church”. So, I gave him my number and left. About an hour or two later, I received a call from Pastor Kevin. “You don’t know us, but a family in the church has to move, today! Well, actually right now, and I saw your truck and we could use some help. Can you help?” As you can imagine, I did not really have a busy schedule any more, so the answer was yes!
I got there and we passed some small talk as we packed the truck. Afterwards, Pastor Kevin, myself and Joe piled into the front seat of an old pick up and off we were to a storage unit. When Joe stopped to get some sodas, Pastor Kevin asked, “Is it that bad?” I responded with, “Would seven felonies scare you?” Without a pause, he looked right at me and in a loving voice said, “Am I running?” Five years later, I testify to the truth, Pastor Kevin has never run, nor has C.C. Loveland rejected me, but instead has loved on me.
When your sin comes into the light, we have the choice to repent in a Godly manner or perish with the world. Paul writes about this in 2 Corinthians 7. I would suggest that you read all of 2 Corinthians 7, I will pick up in verse 10:
“For godly sorrow produces repentance leading to salvation, not to be regretted; but the sorrow of the world produces death”. Godly sorrow produces repentance; true sorrow for sins leads to a change of mind and a turning to God. Repentance means turning to God. True repentance results in spiritual deliverance, or salvation (2 Corinthians 6:2), but the kind of sorrow the world experiences produces death.
In past P.B., we have covered Peter’s denials of our Lord and his restoration. We see Peter’s genuine repentance as he wept bitterly. But more over, we see it at Pentecost where Peter openly proclaims Jesus to the world. Peter was just not sorry for being caught; he was sorry for what he had done and turned to God’s way.
(In my testimony there are two sides. You have my side in short, but still there are my victims, who should always have a voice. The only complete and total truth is when both sides come together and become one.)
But, if I am to boast of my new life, it will be of God’s grace on me, as He uses me to serve these men. Daily I live with a thousand ghosts, the memory of the ones I used. I cannot close my eyes without seeing them. I pray for our Lord to bless them, to guide them and to heal them. But no matter what, I am His. Phish Bowl testifies to this and so will countless others inside the church, outside the church, behind the wall, or those in the free world.
I don’t know when, or if, I will every get out of prison. But, I do know this, I, Timothy Nathanael, am a doulos of Christ and my purpose and hopes live in Him only. Any sin, any disobedience in my walk grieves me so. He breaks me daily, conforms me daily. I know I will find peace when I join Him and the Church in glory. He is my Savior!
Love from your brother,
Timothy - A Doulos of Christ
Ephesians 4:29-32
Man in Black
By: John R. Cash, 1971 House of Cash, Inc.
Well, you wonder why I always dress in black,
Why you never see bright colors on my back,
And why does my appearance seem to have a somber tone.
Well, there's a reason for the things that I have on.
I wear the black for the poor and the beaten down,
Livin' in the hopeless, hungry side of town,
I wear it for the prisoner who has long paid for his crime,
But is there because he's a victim of the times.
I wear the black for those who never read,
Or listened to the words that Jesus said,
About the road to happiness through love and charity,
Why, you'd think He's talking straight to you and me.
Well, we're doin' mighty fine, I do suppose,
In our streak of lightnin' cars and fancy clothes,
But just so we're reminded of the ones who are held back,
Up front there ought 'a be a Man In Black.
I wear it for the sick and lonely old,
For the reckless ones whose bad trip left them cold,
I wear the black in mournin' for the lives that could have been,
Each week we lose a hundred fine young men.
And, I wear it for the thousands who have died,
Believen' that the Lord was on their side,
I wear it for another hundred thousand who have died,
Believen' that we all were on their side.
Well, there's things that never will be right I know,
And things need changin' everywhere you go,
But 'til we start to make a move to make a few things right,
You'll never see me wear a suit of white.
Ah, I'd love to wear a rainbow every day,
And tell the world that everything's OK,
But I'll try to carry off a little darkness on my back,
'Till things are brighter, I'm the Man In Black.
